It’s Sunday, December 19, 2021. Day 25 of being in the BLACK. On this rainy Sunday morning, as I think about the past week, I realize that in the midst of my storm, God has still been good. Even with a pending eviction, I know that staying in my current residence or relocating to a different one, I will be covered by God’s grace. Stressing to pay rent where I currently am or moving and paying a less expensive amount, yet eventually becoming comfortable with the amount, He always works things out in His time. One thing that this separation has taught me is that I must forever be prepared; becoming complacent is never an option.
No matter how much I enjoy a person, place or thing; family or otherwise, never again will I be too comfortable. We must always be in a planning mode. Always be one step ahead. Always know that no one will love and care for you more than you. Like we should always be ready for Jesus to return, in order that we can be accepted into heaven, we must have all of our affairs in order in case of that unexpected emergency. Never depend on anyone to take care of your financial security. I am blessed that God has surrounded me with so many people to show that good people do exist. Trusting in God’s promise to provide is what motivated me to get out of bed and set goals every day.
After my separation, one thing after another began to happen. I had already attempted suicide. Being on LWOP for two months was extremely difficult. Once I returned to work, he told me we had seven weeks to move out of the house. Me, along with my then fourteen-, and nineteen- year- old, moved an entire house containing over twenty years of the life of four people. Without his help planned every detail from start to finish without a dime in my bank account. This is around the time that I began to experience blackouts. To say I was livid was an understatement. I was so disgusted by his lack of participation and lack of interest that I left an entire house of furniture and started from scratch. As I think back, I couldn’t see a clear path then, just as I don’t see one now. The difference is that I had begun to lose my faith back then. Now, my faith is stronger than it’s ever been.
After getting settled into a normal routine and then becoming familiar with our surroundings, COVID started. I became sick and was very sick from December 2018 until March 2019. I wasn’t until after I had recuperated that it was realized that it was COVID I had. In June 2019, I had major back surgery. I was isolated due to COVID. There were no visitors allowed in the hospital. Going through a separation, this was the most depressing time of my life. All alone, I couldn’t see a way past my pain and loneliness. Now I am grateful for the ability to trust God through the process. You see, when God has shown you that He is a way maker, you know that it’s not a matter of IF he’ll do it but WHEN.
Dying to be Perfect 