So, I’m still not sleeping, but now, it’s not due to the lonely nights as much as it is due to the bubbling excitement. The birthing of the new life that is within me…MY PURPOSE! The purpose was always there. God has one for each of us; however, I could not define what my purpose was because of all of the noise around me. I knew that I loved to help people. I knew that I loved to teach, and I loved children. I knew that I wanted and needed to be loved genuinely, wholly, unconditionally and completely; yet those things from others were never available without conditions. Being stuck in that hurt constantly had me with my armor of defense, refusing to let anyone take advantage of the love that I freely gave. Why God, would you allow me to have all of this love but no one to share it with? From a broken, lonely, defenseless child now to an adult who continued to become more broken, and lonely but with defenses. Wavering in faith, yet still holding on to the God I knew had seen me through so many dark and lonely nights, forgiven so many shameful acts, protected me from things better people hadn’t lived to speak about, had allowed me to live when I no longer wanted to, I finally have realized my purpose.
I am so excited about this feeling of where I was because I see and have seen so many others there. The difference is I chose not to speak about it because for some crazy reason I didn’t want anyone to lose hope. So many people were against relationships, love, and marriage. Families were falling apart all around me, our youth were hurting, and my heart would not allow me to not care. I felt that if I told them to RUN FAST! I was being selfish. I believed in love and the life ever after, and that’s what God wanted…The Family…of course that’s what my Catholic faith was, and still is, all about. I was always honest that marriage was work. If both parties put in the work, it was doable. No matter what I went through saying anything more than “I’m tired, he’s getting on my nerves, etc.” We were family and we would ride until the wheels fell off.
What I now realize is that no one will ever love you equally. Not in any relationship, so my advice is to love others but always love yourself more. When you have to chase, always be the one to keep a relationship going, beg for attention, etc. It is not the relationship for you. If you are not receiving what you need from a relationship find other interests…not in people, but in things that you enjoy. Learn to enjoy being alone. While my childhood prepared me to be alone, I did not use that experience positively. I allowed it to cripple me mentally. I allowed the loneliness as a child to accept things as an adult that I shouldn’t have in order to prevent my children from having my same experiences. This also allowed people to see my husband only for the person he was as a friend, coach, mentor and parent. Who he showed the world he was as a husband was a facade. This only caused me more heartache because I was perceived as the mean one who didn’t deserve him. Even my so-called friends thought he was too good for me although they didn’t say it. The church folk, that were in bad marriages, made sarcastic comments; yet when I said the things that only I could say in the way only I could say them, I was being mean; it was always me.
See, unlike many people, outside appearances mean nothing to me. What’s on the inside is what matters. People thought because we looked a certain way, and I didn’t bash him or tell my business things were perfect. Others want to talk, but don’t want to feel alone. They have no idea that behind the veil of make-up and designer clothes, wigs, and adult cliques that they don’t want to admit they are in, those same people they are pretending for are experiencing similar pain, if not worse. People on the outside looking in wanted to be in my shoes. I laugh now because they wouldn’t have lasted two years, yet alone twenty.
The reason I entitled my story Dying to be Perfect, is not because I thought I was perfect. It is because when I attempted suicide, I came to the realization that I always strived to be perfect. To have the perfect family that I never had growing up. I was willing to sacrifice my sanity for this family who at any moment could be gone. My kids were supposed to; I raised them to be self-sufficient and they were making me proud (through blood sweat and tears). Yet, the partner who promised to stay forever, just left because “I want to do for me. I took care of everyone else for over twenty years; it’s my turn), and that stark reality told me that I almost died for perfection which is impossible.
This same thing is what so many others are doing when they attempt to cover up who they really are…dying inside trying to emulate what they deem as perfection in others. I truly believe that we hurt inside from childhood traumas or unresolved feelings that instead of seeking the proper therapy for, we cover it up. Some fake it so long that they actually forget who they actually were before the tucks, lifts, make-up and wigs. They feel that others will love and accept them more; when they don’t the pain simply manifests into worse things. The only way we can truly be happy on the inside is to fix what is going on in the inside…in our mind…be totally in love with ourselves. The love that we have for ourselves can change how we perceive how others think about us to the point that we don’t care what they think. Changing our minds can change our lives. If negativity can spill over so can positivity. Let’s start by truly loving ourselves and being the light that God intended for us to be. Shine our positive light for others to see so that eventually this world can be the place that he intended through YOU AND ME.
Dying to be Perfect wants to SEE A NEW YOU in 2022.
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS
Dying to be Perfect 