At Peace

As I’m sitting here relaxing, I’m realizing that I’m feeling really good about being here alone, in peace on a Sunday morning. I was alone last night as well, and I was ok with that too. Not long ago, I would have been crying and feeling sorry for myself because of how lonely I felt. This morning I am comforted; at peace, knowing that I feel the best I have felt in years. I FEEL GREAT! Peace of mind and clarity is absolutely amazing. I am able to see things so much clearer now; as if wearing a new pair of glasses.

Then just like a light switch, I am triggered. A phone call at 7am. on a Sunday that is meant to be great intentioned turns into an argument, and I am in tears. My tears are from frustration. I am frustrated from constantly expecting decency and common sense from those whom I’ve sacrificed for. Tears gone I now realize that my twenty-one-year-old-daughter will never get it. Reflecting on the conversation, she simply has no clue what I’ve been going through over the past 2.5 years. Really, she doesn’t care, and it’s apparent in her demeanor and tone. It bothers me because she is my baby and I love her; however, she, like many of the others who were always looking in, put her dad on a pedestal. Even with the writing on the wall, and the disappointments she too has endured since he left, she still resents me. Somehow, she finds a way to hold on to who he HAD been, and not who he really IS. Another relationship destroyed by something I can’t control…or can I? Do I even care to?

Never being a “Daddy’s Girl”, it’s incomprehensible to me how my own daughter can see me hurting and still find a way to defend the father who walked out on us. We were a family. No matter what their relationship still is, it destroyed the family. As a young woman, how can she not understand or empathize with that? How can she watch her brother slipping into depression and hurting so badly, yet still not hold her dad accountable? Because of how much I love my children, our fractured relationship has contributed to my depression. I fight daily to not give up and place her in the category with the others I have no intentions on ever speaking to again. She has, however, been added to the list of those I sit back and observe. Realizing that like her dad, she is about self-preservation and her loyalty, no matter how misplaced, will always be to him.

I do accept my part. I now know that I protected my husband’s image for so long, that I made it easy for people to see him is the SAVING GRACE. I suppose I assumed that like I didn’t care about the business of others, they felt the same way. Unfortunately, most were so miserable that all they could do was talk about everyone else’s business. I observed but didn’t care. Who has time to be concerned about what other people are doing? Miserable church folk, that’s who. They were pretending to be friends yet gossiping. Then the slurs and comments came. The circle became bigger and mine became smaller. I sat back and watched, listened and took it all in. This view has enabled me to see everything take place. From the fake friends to the betrayals to the lies and everything in between. It has also allowed me to understand that my daughter still sees the face of the man on the pedestal and not the back of the man who left.

It is difficult not to place my husband and daughter in the same category with those who betrayed me when they display the same disloyal behaviors. I will forever love her because I birthed her; yet as a woman, how can she not understand what I am going through? When people choose sides because of friendships vs. what is moral/immoral, it really evokes an emotion within me that I cannot explain. Have the nerve to support those who deserve it regardless of what your family or friends will say. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong. I have placed this situation in God’s hands. I know that I deserve the loyalty that I give and will accept nothing less. I love me! I am IN LOVE with me.

In this phase of my life, I have removed myself from EVERYONE who hurts me more than they love me, drains me yet fails to pour into me, brings me stress yet fails to add to my peace, and refuses to clap for me when I’m doing what I need to do for MY GROWTH, regardless of how they feel about it. Because of this, I see my circle becoming even smaller, and I’m ok with that too, because this peace that I feel now I will not let go of for anyone or anything in this world.