It’s 2am on Valentine’s Day 2022, and I am at a crossroads. All weekend I’ve been battling a severe case of depression. I’ve used my coping SKILLS, not mechanisms (they are different). I’ve noticed that I’ve fallen; not as deeply as I have in the past, yet fallen, nonetheless. What has been my trigger? What is always my trigger? A holiday…manmade, yet still a holiday.
Valentine’s Day…a day of love…a day that everyone celebrates couples…marriages, engagements, romance, etc. Here I am walking around for the last three weeks willing myself to not think about the fact that on this day I would spend yet another holiday alone. NOT SINGLE…NOT DIVORCED…NOT UNLOVED...NOT UNINVOLVED…NOT WITHOUT OPTIONS…NOT UNHAPPY…just, ALONE. You see, I am none of those other things, but I am ALONE. All weekend, while I knew that this day was approaching, being bombarded, yet again, with all of the reminders that while I am alone others will be celebrating love with their wives, girlfriends, fiancé’s, etc., I will be ALONE. Still a wife, yet alone.
Another holiday that the Owens’ won’t have their tradition. Usually on Valentin’s Day. I celebrated my children and husband, and they celebrated me. We usually did something big. I don’t miss him; I miss FAMILY. Everyone has gone their separate ways. We have still not found a new normal for US as a family when it comes to traditions. We were so close that it is still difficult. We are still BROKEN. One of the things that we did every year was renew our vows as a church for WORLD MARRIAGE DAY. I couldn’t even go to church today because I didn’t want the reminder.
There are so many broken homes today, so many failed marriages, and it seems fewer people are getting married. People want to know why…Marriages are failing because we are too busy trying to bring worldly things into GODLY places. We have to decide which side of the fence we want to be on. I know that God rocked my world and turned it upside down to get my attention, and turn my focus COMPLETELY on Him.
MY HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT ME BUT WON’T LET ME GO…Just sign the papers… I filed for divorce a year ago, yet still I wait…ALONE. On 2/23/22 it will be three years since he walked out on our family. He started another family while still living with me. I begged him to come back…for a year I tried. Yet he was committed to his NEW FAMILY. Still, I wait…ALONE. How Can I move forward into my new love, my new life that awaits me with someone else holding onto me? I am angry. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am torn. I am not, however afraid any longer. I know that I am loved. I still celebrate love on this Valentine’s Day as I did in the past, however, I let my friends and family; especially my children, know daily that I love them.
The celebration of Valentine’s Day was traditionally meant to be for romantic love. Cupid shot that arrow to bring those two lovers together. Once I realized that true love is more than romantic love, I was able to put things into focus a bit better. I know that God loves me unconditionally. When this is over, the love that he has given me to share will be so immense and pure it will be unbreakable. A new family and traditions will form and blossom from it and my heart will be full. I am reminded in I Corinthians :13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. The greatest of these is love.
Trusting God, I know that I will be ok. Additionally, I THANK HIM that all I am suffering from is anxiety and depression, because the life I have lived could have given me far worse. Also, this anxiety and depression proves to me that I STILL HAVE LIFE. There are many who have been through far less than I have and are not alive to speak about it. I speak life into me. I speak life into you, my supporters. Live today and everyday like it is your last day. Love, Love, Love. Not just today, Valentine’s Day, but everyday…247/365 days per year. Every day, every moment is the time to celebrate those you love!
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