It’s Sunday, a beautiful spring day and 71 degrees. Instead of me being in church, I have been laying around the house angry because I have yet again, allowed this man to interfere with my peace. The selfish and inconsiderate actions of he and his girlfriend …and then the justification…comparing it to what I did twenty-three years ago…always placing blame…never owning responsibility…I’m sick of him trying not to acknowledge his narcissism. Yet I know that true narcissists never do. During the commotion, the girlfriend called me mental...I couldn’t say a word…for what? Of course, to her I should have been insulted. The sad part is, she is too gullible to realize that anxiety is a mental illness. She supposedly suffers from anxiety as well, therefore, she too, is mental. You have to laugh at the irony. The person she is with is mentally ill as well, and at this point, I think that it is safe to say that he has made us all crazy. It’s funny in a sad sort of way, because they are miserable, and I am allowing them to interfere in my happiness. My anger…my frustration…my wrath is preventing me from allowing my heart to fully open and receive what is right in front of me; love for who I am, and without condition. I refuse to give company to the misery. I simply want to be released from bondage in order to be free.
Now realizing that I am intentionally being triggered, I will ATTEMPT to do better the next time. In the end, I lost on yesterday. I missed the end of my baby’s game, ended up sick, couldn’t sleep, and didn’t make it to church. All of this because I failed to use my coping skills and they fail to identify that they too, are suffering from mental illness. Every time I vow to stop giving him my power, I fail. It is easy to tell someone “Just don’t do it”, “try harder”, “ignore them” etc. Unless you are thinking with the mind of someone dealing with trauma, there is no telling what you would do. Every time I vow to stop giving him my power, he manages to purposely trigger me. Even knowing this, I fail. I get angry because not only are my feelings being disregarded, but my son’s feelings are as well. To know that his son doesn’t care for his girlfriend because of the disrespect shown to his mother and he still brings her??? Ignoring that blatant disrespect is difficult. The more we allow people to disrespect us, the more they will.
After speaking with my girlies, no matter how much they fuss, I know that it comes from a place of love. What they must comprehend is that while I take responsibility for EVERY part I play in EVERY situation in my life, I am also a firm believer that we let the Devil in, but don’t think about how hard it is to get him out. I am attempting to get the Devil out, but he too, must be held accountable while being evicted. Attempting to clean up a mess that I did not create, yet participated in, I am again left to appear as the villain, but I allowed that by failing to ignore the misery. It is envy that will drive people to do harm to others. This is something I never understood. God ensures that He provides for all of His people. We cannot expect to receive blessings while being envious. Galatians 5 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
Opinions of others outside of God and my children mean nothing to me. The opinion of my few TRUE FRIENDS, are respected; however, because I know that it comes from a place of love. The gossip and opinions of others who are non-factors and mean harm, is simply background noise. Nothing in my story says that I want to be perfect, am trying to be perfect nor was I ever perfect. Dying to be Perfect speaks to the stigma of mental illness; how we are losing the battle with mental illness because so many people are pretending to be ok. They are walking around looking perfect on the outside but dying on the inside, and literally Dying due to the fear of being labeled. We are all imperfect, and God loves us in spite of our imperfections. Lamentations 2:15 All who pass your way clap their hands at you; they scoff and shake their heads at Daughter Jerusalem: “Is this the city that was called the perfection of beauty, the joy of the whole earth?” Only God is perfect, therefore, no one can judge our imperfections, nor can we judge another.
I am aware that the wrath in me must end; it does not speak to the love that is inside of me. I also know that God is the only one capable of changing my heart and forgiving my wrath. Romans 5:1919 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[a] to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Once I allow God to take care of my wrath, He will take care of the vengeance. God will remove my Devil, and my burden will be light.
Thank you, ladies for your unwavering support. You are absolutely amazing. You are part of my Winning Season if you want to be…I WILL WIN…I AM WINNING. You can win also by walking in your own shoes. Looking into someone else’s world and trying to walk in their shoes will cause you to fail every time. The shoes are never as comfortable as they seem. Continue to walk in your own purpose in shoes that fit, and God will lead the rest of the way. Know that through it all, God is forgiving, and caring. Above all, our mental health is important. How we care for our mind can determine the decisions we make and ultimately, how we end up. Being mentally healthy is a process that can take us on a roller coaster ride, but similar to other aspects of our lives, God forgives, heals and renews. We must be accepting of who we are before being accepting of others so that we can stop Dying WHILE TRYING to APPEAR to be Perfect.
Because God is patient with us, we must be forgiving and patient with ourselves. What others think…WE SHOULDN’T CARE! Being able to give testimony to our trials and traumas is what matters. People will talk about us whether we do good or bad, so trying to people please is a waste of time. People who were supposed to be his followers, betrayed and mocked Jesus, and He saved the world. Why would we think that they wouldn’t talk about us? Being comfortable in who we are versus concerning what others think gets us one step closer to taking charge of our mental health.
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!! Defy the Stigma of Mental Health
Dying to be Perfect 