Daily, as we are gifted to awake to the dawning of a new day, someone, somewhere, does not receive that same gift. As we go through our day handling the worries that are placed at our feet or our joys and excitements, someone else is struggling. Some of us are empathetic to the struggles of others, and some are not; however, the reality is we will all, one day, struggle in some form or fashion.
There are simply some facts in life, and one of those facts is that we will all leave this earthly vessel. We learn at a young age that each of us will die, yet when that time comes, it does not lessen the pain. It’s supposed to be that children bury their parents, yet it makes it no less difficult for many children; no matter the age, when the parent dies. When a parent has to bury a child, whether due to illness, violence, or nature, it is difficult. DEATH…LOSS OF ANY KIND, IS DIFFICULT. It can be one of the most painful, devastating, humbling and life changing experiences a person can go through; yet not everyone will handle it in the same way.
Yesterday, on what many of us experienced as a beautiful Sunday, Father’s Day morning, June 19, 2022, my friends, awakened to a different experience. Their son did not awaken. What should have been and was intended to be a great day for their family of five took an unexpected turn and the dreams of their day were forever gone. When I received the call from my son, he was in shock and so was I. I was at a loss for words, only thinking” what is she going to do?” “How are they going to get through this? ” My heart aching as if it was my son, because I can only imagine their pain.
Seeing the hurt, on both of their faces…the tears…tore my heart into two. Surprisingly I didn’t cry. I wanted to be strong for them. This is their time to allow others to be strong for them. People often make comments about resorting to strength and how strong a person is and that they will get through, etc. There is strength in letting go and allowing others to help during the storm. Processing our pain and showing that we are human and that we hurt takes strength and is the first step to making sure we stay mentally well during our time of loss. While we grieve, the world will continue to move as if nothing happened.
During my suffering, all I wanted was for someone to ease my pain…fill the emptiness…allow me to grieve. Being strong can sometimes be a curse. I have gained a plethora of knowledge during my loss. One important thing that I found out is that our strength oftentimes causes people to lessen their support. Oftentimes we give our friends/family a free pass to be unsupportive. When we are always the fixer of things…the shoulder to lean on…the STRONG ONE, we sometimes appear unstoppable, unbreakable, and always able to handle anything. Unfortunately, people will use this as a way to not show up. The hard reality is that only the strong survive when we allow ourselves to have our weak periods. Loss of any kind is one of those times that we should relinquish our strength. I have found that constantly trying to be strong and failing to ask for help prevented me from receiving help when I needed it. Because people are looking in, they believe that we can do it all. I believe that when we have true friends, true family that cares, we shouldn’t have to appear strong. This is the time to show our vulnerabilities because we are all human.
When God calls a loved one home or removes a loved one from our life…causes any loss, He knows that our strength will wane. He places people in our lives to be our strength and to make our burdens lighter. He doesn’t expect us to grieve while having to still take on the enormous tasks of day-to-day life. We must begin to realize that we have a duty as loyal friends and family to step in and be the support for another and also show strength and trust in God by allowing Him to use His people to support us.
Realizing that our loss has caused our lives to nearly end…our world to be forever changed, while those around us keep living, will cause us to feel the unfairness of life. We will get worse before we get better, and we will feel pressure from others to return to the norm. Taking the time to heal is important in order to truly care for our mental health, and there is no time limit. We, as children of God must constantly be mindful that no matter how strong we may seem to be, we are always in need of the strength of others to get us through our darkest days. This is our duty as friends and as children of God. My friends, though hurting, got it right. Their willingness to always be supportive of and be available for others has shown by all of the love and support they have around them during this difficult time. We must all take heed because we all will need each other at some point, for some reason. Even when life goes on for others, when storms come our way, we will all need each other in this thing called life.
To my friends, Dana and Darryl, I know you are hurting by the loss of your son. As a mom, I cannot imagine. I do know, that while you may find it difficult to comprehend, if you pray and listen for God’s voice, he will have the answers for you… God makes no mistakes, and His works are not in vain. My heart aches for you. The love that you show your children, the love, joy and happiness that flows throughout your family and the sharing of that love with others, is why you will not bear this cross alone. Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
From today on, take care of yourself as individuals, and as a couple. Continue to nurture each other and your children. Remember that your feelings are yours and it is okay for men to show them. Whatever you need, do not hesitate to use your support system, whether it be church, your intimate circle or therapy, and remember that everyone has a different grieving process. Most of all, remember that God is a healer…mind, body, and spirit. I love you both!
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!! Defy the Stigma!
Dying to be Perfect 