“Lord, help me to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference”. This, The Serenity Prayer, I learned as a young child. My grandfather taught it to me when I was maybe nine or ten years old. Throughout the years, I have been praying it whenever I feel overwhelmed; it helps to regain my focus and concentrate on the things that I can do to effect positive change. Not only is it important for me to see things change for the better in my life, but also in the lives of those around me.
I find myself praying this prayer often as of recent months. With many events which have occurred in my life being out of my control, I use this prayer to calm my nerves and try to prevent myself from becoming anxious. Being around a lot of people when I am in my healing process and trying to be a better version of ME is often difficult. Retreating gives me time to reflect, focus on the issues, and circumstances, speak with different people and not only see their faults, but make changes in me.
I continue to face uncontrollable life circumstances; yet I make every attempt to press forward in a positive frame of mind. My heart hurts for every person dealing with feelings of neglect, betrayal, hurt etc. Being’ you’ is challenging. Don’t give up. Use your coping skills; they work. My anxiety was not triggered on yesterday because I used mine. For that I am proud! We do not have to be apologetic for who we are. We are people with mental illness. We are sick, not crazy. Crazy is being ill and not getting treatment. Crazy is allowing others to validate and narrate your life.
As people of God or simply people who want change, we must see the part we play and make changes within ourselves in order for any relationship to work. Many people fail to see compromise. There is a difference in compromising beliefs and making minor adjustments to show true friends, family and those we love or simply have daily interactions with, care and compromise in order to coexist. Our attitudes usually stem from our mental health. When we are mentally healthy, we come to comprehend that we are imperfect. We usually act out of our trauma; if we aren’t self-reflecting and willing to hear about our faults or what we did to play our part in another’s hurt, we cannot change. We no longer feel the need to hide behind our hard exteriors to protect our vulnerabilities. We become ok with being transparent…alone…different. When we become mentally healthy, we are able to stand in our truth and see our trauma in other people and help them through it; not walk away from them, leaving them in it. Mentally healthy people are able to hear how their actions have caused trauma to others. Mentally healthy people can apologize, change behavior and move on. They do not hang up the phone and block people because they were triggered by them. When we are mentally healthy our triggers do not affect us. We are able to manage them.
For me to not be triggered on yesterday, I know that I am truly in my healing process. People perceive me as mean, negative, etc. I have a hard exterior because of my trauma, however, I am sensitive and empathetic; caring, loving and kind…until I am mistreated. I come from a place of trauma. Being an only child…no father present…a girl, I was usually left to fight for myself and usually by myself. I grew up knowing how to defend myself; therefore, I continue to do so. I recognize that others need someone to fight for them as well. The fact that I allowed the thought process and unfair actions of others to anger me effected my anxiety and I began to distance myself; no longer participating in the activities I enjoyed. I went from being a social butterfly to a social leper. I had to change my attitude a little. Sometimes we have to be the change we want to see. Until we break the cycle, things will remain the same.
I went from being very active, attending nearly every event to attending none because I was unable to socialize without becoming anxious. As God slowly helps me to accept that I cannot control how others think (no matter how crazy I think it is) or what they do, I am finding my happy place. I have let go and stopped trying to save people who don’t want to be saved. I focus on how I can become better. In addition, I found that as I become better, what others who have no interest in my mental, physical or spiritual well-being think of me no longer effects my mood in the way it used to. As a result, my heart is much lighter. With this, I am feeling more like the fiery me; the Dani that wants to make a difference in spite of; Dani that sees and does. I see the brokenness in the world, the same brokenness in me, and I want to do my part to heal broken people…broken places…to set the world on fire! My church, the brokenhearted, those like me...people like me…people with FIRE in them…people with LOVE in them, must join and continue to give freely and eagerly of their time, passion, and talent to set the world on fire. We need to focus on our mental health in order to fully give of our WHOLESELVES to keep our fire burning.
Had I not been working on my anxiety, the great day that I experienced yesterday would not have been possible. Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed myself at my church picnic. MY INSIDES FELT GOOD. I have always been the topic of gossip. It used to hurt, but now I do not care! If I was or was not the conversation topic on yesterday matters not! I am truly learning and growing. I am accepting the things I cannot change. I have the Wisdom to know that I cannot change the thoughts and actions of others. More importantly, I am now, more than ever, comfortable in who I am!! Spending such a beautiful day with my church family was like old times, on a refreshed level. Because I am healing, I focus on what’s important and ignore negativity. I focus on community, love, family and I refuse to allow the bad relationships and mental illness of others …their inability to be transparent and comfortable in their skin, affect my ability to enjoy my life.
I LOVE ME! I am different! More times than not, in order to effect change we have to be different. We have to often stand alone. If we keep agreeing with the majority change will never come. BE DIFFERENT! If we are different, it is ok. If we set our standards for love and what we will, or will not accept, IT IS OK. I HAVE. I want the love I give; nothing more, NOTHING LESS. That does not mean that I do not love you or do not want to be your friend. It simply means that I will not pour more of myself into anyone than they pour into me. My feelings are genuine, and I put effort into those I love. Transparency will cost several relationships but if being you and expressing your feelings and expectations cause people to walk away, LET THEM WALK. These are usually the people who want to avoid confrontation or refuse to accept fault. We have to love ourselves enough to accept that the people who are not around to accept us for our true selves, aren’t worth having around.
Requiring respect often requires boundaries. Setting boundaries can become uncomfortable. We must, however, enforce our boundaries as well as adhere to the boundaries set by others. When we set boundaries, we will unfortunately lose family and so-called friends. They will blame us for no longer being able to misuse and abuse us, failing to properly love us, etc. I had to accept the fact that anyone who was REALLY MY FRIEND is STILL MY FRIEND. They loved me through my situation, my depression, did not minimize it, respected my feelings and my healing process, and did not judge. My real friends supported me through my anxiety attacks, my tears, my rants, complaints, pity parties, suicide attempt, recent thoughts of suicide, etc. More importantly, they loved me enough to listen to how their actions, words, or lack of support that I felt affected me. Those who took my feelings as offensive and walked away, were never friends. When we become mentally healthy, we realize that having people around who can’t accept us for our TRUE SELVES aren’t worth having around. No matter what, be true to you, and accept nothing less than what YOU, not others, feel you deserve. This is ME, I LOVE ME. I am constantly growing mentally, and spiritually stronger. I will too be focusing on my physical wellness FOR ME. I am prepared to have more people walk away, and I am OK with that as well. When they walk away, I LET THEM WALK. Now, I do the walking. I would rather lose them than lose myself.
UNAPOLAGETICALLY ME,
DANI
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!! Defy the Stigma!
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Dying to be Perfect 