What a day! I will never forget it…Tuesday, August 23, 2022. My baby boy…my Snickerdoodle…my #2 Sonshine…the last of my four, went off to college. My heart is full just thinking about it. I have been trying to figure out my next steps since he left just three weeks ago. I am full of pride, full of joy, full of excitement, full of hope and full of thanks! It is by the grace of God that we made it. That’s right, WE. My baby and I have been through this together. Ever since my husband walked out of that door, we have been a team. Yet, still, in my excitement, I hurt. I feel guilt for the part I played in his pain.
The mental health of my children is all that matters…their well-being. My children have been through enough pain, especially Snickerdoodle. All I want moving forward, is a civil relationship with their dad for the sake of my son. I realize, however, that due to his narcissistic personality, it will never be possible. The past cannot be changed; however, I pray for the strength to move forward differently. No matter how pure my heart is; how deeply I love, my brokenness has allowed me to have my son in the middle of adult turmoil, and for that, I apologize.
From the beginning, I tirelessly aimed to instill certain morals and values that I tried to practice while raising my children. In no time at all, it crashed around us. This was mentally devastating. I witnessed all that I had worked for…all that our children believed in for their entire lives, go down the drain. I was too blinded by the hurt to see the emotional damage that I was doing to my children, especially Noah. My disdain for my husband due to his betrayal and abuse caused me to lose sight of my son’s pain.
I am unsure about when my heart will stop hurting, but I will NEVER allow it to affect my children again. It is unfortunate, that when children are involved, and relationships end, people are unable to be cordial with one another. The children become stuck in the middle and are ultimately the ones who suffer. Wanting what was best for my son, I did all I could to effectively co-parent. Unfortunately, nothing worked, and Noah was the one who suffered.
I was expecting empathy from a narcissist. For that, I have myself to blame. The stress of this failed marriage and all of the financial and emotional abuse has caused me nothing but physical pain. It is literally killing me slowly and ruining the relationship I have with my children. This man has done harm in every area and relationship in my life. From my personal, church, and professional relationships down to the relationships with my children, my finances, and my physical and mental health; I am regaining control of my life.
So many misunderstand, fail to understand or simply don’t care to understand the passion behind my message. Sympathy is not what I seek, but support for My son. Not simply for my son, however, but for all of the sons and daughters who fall to the wayside. I seek support for those IN the Village, and those with no village…those in single parent homes or two parent homes…living uptown or downtown…raised by grandparents or single dads…those struggling with addiction and those who are products of addiction. I seek support for them all…GREAT AND SMALL who battle with an illness that no one understands.
My struggles…our struggles, and what we go through; what I have been through on my journey, has been to solicit support, not sympathy. The smallest show of support from those who claim to care goes a long way. It gives encouragement and depending on a person’s mental health status can mean a matter of life or death.
Too often, it is assumed that married couples do not need assistance supporting their children or that support is only financial. This is completely untrue. As a couple, it was difficult raising five children. Outside of a few occasional weekends, sleepovers, birthdays and holidays, our support was limited. There were no ongoing weekend breaks or help if we needed it. No one mentored our children to give them a shoulder if they were having problems at home. If they did, it wasn’t consistent. The little support that we did receive, died when our relationship died. My babies needed emotional support…an ear…understanding.
Life is difficult and lonely at times. Feelings of alienation come easy for those suffering from depression and other mental illnesses. For this reason, we should all try to be a means of support rather than a source of betrayal and disappointment. I am not referring to financial support, but emotional support…understanding…being a source of encouragement. Initially, I thought that our married friends would understand or at least those who had been through separation or divorce would support me, because they understood my plight; however, I was wrong. MOST DID NOT. I now believe that they too, thought I wanted sympathy. Unfortunately, many of them, miserable in their own marriages, were disappointed that I was telling some of their story. They could not face my truth because it is also theirs. Speaking my truth is not about sympathy, it’s about support. My transparency about my marriage, its events, my relationship with my husband, his continued financial and emotional abuse through his lack of financial assistance and failure to effectively communicate…made them face the reality of their own lives that they are trying to hide.
Unfortunately, I continue to become frustrated because although I know why there is a lack of support from some, others being afraid of transparency simply allows the stigma associated with mental illness to continue. It prevents others from truly knowing how many are truly afraid…truly struggling. This results in more alienation and the struggle continues, as if a continuous circle. Again, my passion is not to seek sympathy for my struggles, but support to assist the long-term struggles of others. I, unfortunately, have the experience of knowing that struggle firsthand.
I truly pray that when the realization sets in how many of our youth and young adults…simply families overall, are being affected the disease of mental illness, more support will be provided in order to assist the victims. I do not advocate only for blacks or whites. I do not look to assist only the low income or simply the wealthy. I seek to empower all who are silently suffering with any mental illness…those who feel alone…anyone supporting my platform…those who are crumbling and broken on in the inside, but on the outside looks just like you and me.
Dani,
Dying to be Perfect
Mind, body, and spirit
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!!
Defy the Stigma!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
SUICIDE PREVENTION AWARENESS
800-273-TALK
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!!
Defy the Stigma!
Dying to be Perfect 