This time there’s no need to worry. This time, the struggle’s going to be easier. This time, the betrayal won’t be as painful. This time the heart won’t take long to mend. This time I won’t have to question IF God is going to make a way. I already know from all of the times that I doubted before.
He has made a way so many times before and for this reason, I know that He will make a way once more. Through the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between oh God, on you I’ve had to lean. You’ve been my doctor, lawyer, and comforter. You’ve lifted me when I was down, healed me when I was sick and comforted me when I was feeling low.
Oh God, thanks to you I’ve smiled when I wanted to frown. Depression almost took me out but you, oh God, lifted my head out of the dark into a light so bright. Some days I smile, some days a tear may fall. There are days that I have no feeling at all. There is numbness from all of the trauma, but no matter good or bad you are there every second…every minute…no matter what, you will soften the blow and cushion my fall. For that, I am thankful.
So today, how am I? I am yet again, THANKFUL. I am GRATEFUL. I am better than yesterday. I am OK. I AM ALIVE!! Truthfully, I’m better some days than others. I am counting down the day until my divorce hearing. If I were better financially, and I were comfortable that Noah was really ok, I would probably say that I was great. A part of me still hurts for ignoring the red flags in the beginning, but I thought I was doing what was best for my children. I was surviving. So, how am I? I have no idea. I survive day by day, but no matter how I’m feeling, I find the strength to let others know that I would not make it each day without God. This journey is not possible to travel alone. Some days I am great, others, not so good, today I am great and then there are days like yesterday, when I was in such physical pain that i had to struggle to find the will to survive.
The thing about faith though, is that even with all of the myraid of feelings and confusing thoughts, I still trust that God will use me to save someone else and open the eyes of others to the importance of focusing on their mental health and defying the stigma surrounding mental illness. So actually, I guess I’m ok. I am ok with just being OK. My OK, unlike so many other times before, involves me having a peace of mind, and it comes without me having to compromise my happiness, mental health, or that of my children, and that is major. We are all continuing to heal, and I am continuously thankful. There is no way I can live without God, and today’s service simply summed up all that I was feeling. I’m simply grateful for being able to bear these burdens with God’s help because there truly is no way I could live without Him.
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Dying to be Perfect 