A DAY HEMMED IN PRAYER IS LESS LIKELY TO UNRAVEL

I sit here, nearly two weeks after my divorce is finalized. I’ve been up since 2am. Now, at nearly 8am, sleepy; knowing that today has many possibilities…knowing that sleep is essential in order for my day to be great, rather than close my heavy eyelids, I write. I cannot find sleep because even after I have been granted all that I, and God, have felt me deserving of, I still face yet another challenge. It seems that the more blessings I receive, the more challenges I face. I find that this is the life of my fellow empaths and Cancers. July baby, I am true to my sign, and God continues to test my faith in Him. Often, I grow tired. I cry, I succumb to both my anxiety and depression. I even, for occasional brief moments, envision me no longer being here. Often, too tired to go on, too frustrated to continue to put up with the evil and hateful ways of others, I remember how he showed up each time before. I remember the words of encouragement that is needed for others…what they would do if I gave up…what my children will do.

Because of both, my sensitive nature and “no nonsense attitude”, I am forever being accused of “just being me” and being mean. I am exhausted of defending my attitude. I am at the end of my rope with people mistreating me and taking my kindness for weakness while making me out to be the worst person in the world when I give them same energy. Throughout my journey, I’ve realized that many of my fellow Cancer friends and other empaths that I have identified with, have similar experiences. For me, and many others, this toxic behavior negatively affects our mental health. This type of behavior, whether it be within a family, workplace, or place of worship is considered…harassment…bullying; no matter if it involves children or adults. Personally, when someone causes conflict and attempts to place the blame on another, therapists consider this victim blaming. This term, I have learned, is oftentimes used when involving someone who displays narcissistic behavior. Placing blame and causing conflict in order to remove the focus from oneself (victim blaming) triggers my anxiety.

I have grown a great deal during this entire healing process. This growth has opened my eyes to various things about people...life…loyalty…betrayal…Christianity. While GROWING through pains; still suffering from the effects of “the abandonment“, my great days and feelings of pure joy and excitement from winning the divorce case quickly ended. Still, he plays games…won’t surrender…won’t just give me my just due…drags this out even longer. What good man does this? In addition to the stress from the divorce, stress and conflict within religious organizations cause me unnecessary tension as well. I can’t understand why we, as Christians, would purposely lie, gossip, cause discord and simply bully others as adults in church and the workplace. These very things negatively affect the mental health of others. Having to constantly encourage grown people to see that their actions are not Christian like is a task in futility. This, causes me stress, taxing my mental health, resulting in my behavior matching theirs.

I have, in the last five years, had to really show my alter ego, Tiffani (I wished my name was Tiffani). Danielle (Dani) is the ultimate professional. Tiffani is let’s take it to the streets. Neither are to be fucked with. I have unfortunately had to bring Tiffani to the party a few times recently. This, when trying to do good work, evokes STRESS. Finally, all of this stress has caused major health issues; causing hospital and emergency doctor visits which is of course, more STRESS.

Still, I do all I can, like most empaths, and continue to encourage others to keep pushing. After returning from the hospital on Thursday morning, my good friend, Carmelita, reached out to me, and she prayed with me. She spoke life into me because she too, feels my pain. Having friends is good but having true friends who pray for and with you, who you can actually feel their prayers, Is a blessing from God. Carmelita, said that I should not worry about what happened at the doctor, to let the lawyer handle the divorce and let everything else go...worry about me. She said that “a day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel“. My prayer life will forever be changed. because of that statement. Not that I don’t pray because I do; however sometimes I do it while I’m driving or while I’m in the shower…whenever I can throughout the day. The problem is, if my day begins before I pray, I am leaving it open to be determined how my day turns out rather than beginning it being intentional about praying prior to it having a change to become bad before I speak with God. I am now intent on remembering each morning, that a day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.

Since that conversation, I have let go of a great deal of tension. I have reflected on some things that have taken place over the past year and, I move; accordingly, unfortunately, having to bring Tiffani along with me on occasion. I promised Carmelita, myself and God that I would do my best to leave Tiffani at home and bring my sewing kit instead. I will begin my day with prayer so that it would be less likely to unravel. The last two days, though challenging, have been much easier to navigate now that I have begun to pray before I do anything else. It isn’t always easy, but a positive mind and positive people work to ensure that peace is brought forth. There is definitely hope if we all get on the same thought process and remember that a day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.

Dani

mind, body, spirit

MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!

Defy the stigma!

SUICIDE AWARENESS MATTERS

YOU MATTER

YOU ARE NOT ALONE