All I can say, is stop giving the best version of yourself to people who don’t deserve it. There are sooo many things I wish I could change. The first one, is not leaving my marriage in year 5. If I would have, I would still have my babies, and my life would have taken on a different trajectory. I wouldn’t change being a mother to these four beautiful people for anything in the world. The next change would have been for me to put myself first (after God of course). Had I loved myself before my family, I would have taken my children and ran. Refusing to accept that I was married to a narcissist who didn’t really love me, truly put me in a trick bag. Wanting my children to grow up in a two parent home kept me in a situation that has mentally, emotionally and financially destroyed me, and it destroyed them in the process.
At this ripe old age, when I should be outside, and living like as an adult, I am literally stuck in this circle of madness. After giving 21 years of my life, I am fighting to survive, because refusing to be the father and husband that he promised, my ex narcissist insists on doing what he can to make me miserable. He doesn’t want to see me happy, in spite of him continuing on with his life. It seems that the more things seem to improve, another blow comes. Im tired, fed up, and out of ideas. After using me up…taking the best part of me, and destroying it, I’m left with nothing. Actively working to gain what I can to live just a simple life, seems impossible. I am literally fighting to survive. After all I’ve been to him and others, and all I’ve given, I’m hated so much that he literally has sought out to destroy me.
What many don’t understand, is that all I wanted is for him to be happy. I accepted the fact that one woman would never be enough, and I let him go. I never tried to ruin him. It wasn’t until he broke our agreement to continue to help financially…just do right by me and my children, that I had to speak up. While I was protecting his image, he continued to defame me and destroy mine. While I was struggling mentally, financially and emotionally, he was still sucking the life out of me; still doing all he could to destroy my life. We agreed to never divorce, however, he didn’t have any interest in standing by his words. I decided to love me, and file for divorce. Things only became worse. WHO WAS I TO DIVORCE HIM?
Like most narcissists, this man dragged me through the mud for five years. At this very moment, I’m still fighting for what’s mine. Never in a million years, could I have imagined this, but when I sit back and recollect, all of the signs were there, I simply saw the good in him, and decided to stay. Rather than go with my intuition, I went with my heart. Now, I’m paying the price. All I want is to start over, but when someone has taken all you have, starting over is difficult. I fought during the marriage, I fought after, and I’m still fighting. IM FIGHTING WITHOUT ANYTHING TO FIGHT WITH, AND I AM FRUSTRATED.
Today, another blow, after all the blows I took this week. With my health issues and limited resources, all I can do is pray that the stress doesn’t take me out. When I look at my medications, I forget that I’m fifty four and not seventy. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Oh, the stress and lack of medical care. I just want to know WHY DO EVIL PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH TREATING PPL SO BADLY? WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU TREAT YOU SO POORLY? Please, can u tell me? I HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE (even those I didn’t), only to be betrayed. No matter what took place, I took it in stride and pressed forward. THIS time, however, IS DIFFERENT.
What people don’t understand, is that when you invest all you have for twenty one years, and it suddenly comes to a screeching hault, it’s difficult to bounce back. My children and I, nursed this man back to health after a major illness. After he repeatedly begged me to change careers, I helped him, using the last of my savings, and then within months, he left. He destroyed my credit, left me financially and emotionally bankrupt, and tossed me to the side as if I were nothing. As if the abandonment wasn’t enough, watching me struggle while still trying to make sure my children were ok was nasty work. Leaving me in 40k worth of debt and trying to scam his way out of paying the divorce settlement is even nastier. After twenty one years, I don’t deserve anything, according to him.
Why do I share this again today? Because everytime I get another blow, I realize that I wouldn’t be here if he would simply adhere to the terms of the divorce. How can I not be triggered, when it’s never been over? How am I supposed to move forward, if he delays and drags this out? He literally throws rocks behind the scene abd hides his hands. I had to take out loans to move, pay back loans he made, use every resource I’ve had, and still…I AM FIGHTING TO SURVIVE. Because I am still able to love others and be happy in general, doesn’t mean that I’m not having a difficult time. I love and am happy in spite of it. Because I use my pain to help others, doesn’t mean I’m not in pain.
All I can say, is that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, get out. The relationship is unlikely to end well. They will only make empty promises, they lie without hesitation. They will gaslight you if they can’t control you, they lovebomb in order to gain your trust, and then they rip you apart little by little. If you have children, they will do everything to turn them against you while in the marriage and after. This is to make you look bad, in order to make them seem like the better parent. They will steal from you and blame someone else, they will belittle you, and blame you. They will pretend to care for you in public, but tear you down in private. Most narcissists are serial cheaters. They will blame you for their infidelity. Pay close attention, because they will alienate you fron your friends and family, or make their friends your friends, in order to turn them against you. Most narccistic people have few loyal friends. They are usually mean tempered and violent behind closed doors. Pay close attention, because when they are wrong, they almost never apologize. They will always fight you in court because they hate to lose. Your narc can be a friend, a boss, a child, a parent or a romantic mate. It is the most draining and emotionally/mentally abusive relationship ever. Unfortunately, they prey on people who have good hearts and who are loyal, so BEWARE.
If you have been affected by narcissist abuse, seek therapy; it’s the only way to truly understand what you’re dealing with, and begin healing. NEVER TRY TO REMAIN FRIENDS. JUST LET THEM GO. The number of people, especially women, who experience narccistic abuse is overwhelming. No one should have to endure this, and only those who have experienced it will understand. We need each other to win our lives back…to regain our peace. Please don’t be silent. Without speaking up, we will never win the battle. I am still alive today, because I finally had to speak up. I’m still fighting and still living, because I refuse to be muted. Telling my story, and allowing others to tell theirs is how I am able to keep striving to take my life back. Although it’s difficult and I sometimes have no strength to fight, I promise to never give up.
Dani💋❤️
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Dying to be Perfect 