As I prepare for this Monday , I am taking the time to think. As I sometimes do, I reflect on where I’ve been…the hurt, the healing…the sadness…the joy. Similar to this very moment, I view my pictures from my pre trauma life. I compare those pictures, to what I see now…post trauma, and healing…my current recovery. What I see, is that pictures don’t lie.
Where am I going with this? Well, I’ll tell you: It’s been six, long years, since my healing journey began, and although it’s been difficult, I certainly am greatful for every roadblock; they’ve made me who I am today. When I began to reflect on my pre trauma days, I realized that my trauma began, well before my family dynamic changed. Moreover, it wasn’t one traumatic experience that landed me here, it was a series of traumatic events, and the failure to heal from them, that landed me here.
I’d like to blame my loss for my trauma, but it wasn’t. That event was simply the final straw. The real trauma, was the twenty plus years that I was hurt, broken, and abused. The real trauma was me trying to love someone else, who was also broken. Yes, my trauma was ongoing, yet I was so focused on loving, and caring for someone else, that I couldn’t see that I needed healing. Trying to fix who I was…be better for someone else, when I needed to be better for me…that was the real trauma.
Even prior to marriage and children, my unresolved childhood trauma...that I didn’t recognize as trauma…is a part of what made me who I am today. My healing process…my recovery…has made me realize, on a day like today, that self awareness and reflection, is necessary. SOMETIMES, I revel in the Joy I feel. SOMETIMES, I look in the mirror, just to revel in the Peace that I feel. SOMETIMES, I revel in the fact that the LOVE I receive now, is unmatched. SOMETIMES, I remember how I protected my heart, and therefore, wasn’t as free with my love as I am today. SOMETIMES, I wonder where my life would be, had I addressed my trauma, before the BIG EVENT. SOMETIMES…
On a day like today, on this Monday, I simply say “what if doesn’t matter“. What I’ve been through, is what makes me who I am today. In spite of all that has transpired, I am blessed. I’m alive, I’m covered, and I’m loved. As I navigate through this new life, I embrace me. I love who I am…(I dont NEED others to love me)…Im intentional about how I love(despite being hurt, I still show love to others(friends, strangers, romantically, etc)…I see my worth(others must see my value, and treat me with respect)…I see my flaws, and am ok with them…(we all have them)…I am unapologetic about who I am. While trauma allowed me to be told I wasn’t enough, healing assured me that I’m more than enough. While trauma told me that I wasn’t worthy of love, healing told me that God’s love, and self love, is all of the love I need.
As I contine to walk in my purpose, I am thankful. I see what God’s path is for me. My encounters with beautiful people, and the joy I feel when I positively effect others, is unmatched. This would be impossible, if not for what I have been through. Today, I reflect on the beautiful weekend I had. I remember spending a wonderful day with my Sweet Potato, and I smile. I remember attending church for the first time since Christmas Eve, and I smile. I remember, that Mass was beautiful; yet, I was anxious. This was my first outing since my surgery, and using my cane. It was great being missed, and I felt wonderful about the love I received. I smile, as I remember. I reflect about spending a Sunday Funday with a friend. Again, I encountered more beautiful people. I enjoy talking about life, and hearing the journey of others. I enjoy thought provoking conversations, and listening to different opinions, without drama. I LOVE DOING DIFFERENT, and yesterday was something different with different people.
As I prepare to go to therapy, I see the pictures from this weekend, and many others that were taken throughout my recovery. I compare the recent pictures, to pictures from my pre recovery days, and I smile. I see all of the healing that has taken place over the years. Again, I smile. I am able to see the joy in my eyes when I smile now, compared to the sadness along the way. SOMETIMES I just smile, because I never thought I could love life…others…God…ME…as much as I do now. As I write this, I am motivated to push through anything that may come my way today. I will simply remember this past weekend, and the joy it brought, and I’ll smile, because SOMETIMES, that’s all it takes for me to know, that my breakthrough is coming.
Dani💋❤️
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