ITS CRAZY, HOW sometimes, things will happen when you least expect it, and they will change your life forever. You didn’t plan what happened, and weren’t prepared for it, or the residual effects. One minute, life is ok, and the next, Out of nowhere, everything is in shambles, and you’re just lost…I realize that my heart is like a pile of ashes…waiting to be put back together, but the remnants will never form into a whole.
One minute, you’re trying to figure out what to do, and the next minute, you’re like OK GOD, I HEAR YOU. Then, there are the times that you’re just numb, and can’t hear, see, or feel anything. Confusion takes over, and just like that…Here I am…NUMB. I’m feeling unsettled, wondering and not knowing what to do. My brain is telling me to do what makes me happy, but my heart says “seeing others happy is what makes you happy”. Why do I have to choose? Why can’t I be happy while simultaneously making those I love happy? Why does choosing what I want have to hurt someone else? WHY??? Probably because my heart is just a pile of ashes…waiting to be discarded…again.
FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I WANT TO DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY…BUT HOW, WHEN MY FAMILY IS WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?
THIS YEAR, IT APPEARS THAT LENT IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT. ALREADY, Day 1 is not going well. 😢 EVERYTHING IS CRASHING IN ON ME AT ONCE. I’M THANKFUL, BUT OH MY GOD…THE MEMORIES…I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. IT’S LIKE A WOUND THAT HAS REOPENED, AND MY HEART CAN’T HANDLE IT. THE RELAPSES…THE GROWTH…THE LOSSES…THE GAINS…THE HURT…THE PEACE…THE JOY…THE LOSS OF HOPE…THE NEW HOPE…THE LOVE…AND THE LOVE LOSS…IT’S ALL SO OVERWHELMING.
SIX YEARS AGO TODAY, GOD SPARED MY LIFE. AS HARD AS I WORK TO MOVE PAST IT, SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME IS AFRAID TO BREATHE. THERE’S SO MUCH FOR ME TO DO, BUT HOW??? WILL I EVER TRULY BE WHO GOD WANTS ME TO BE? CAN I???? Im just this little nobody, who’s trying to live right. SOME DAYS I HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, THEN ON DAYS LIKE TODAY, IM A COMPLETE MESS. GOD HELP ME!😢😭
God, all I want is for my heart and my mind to be in the same place. I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS DAY. GOD NOBODY KNOWS BUT YOU AND ME… NOBODY WILL EVER UNDERSTAND THIS HUGE HEART OF MINE…NOT EVEN ME. But if my heart weren’t like ashes…WHAT IF IT WAS WHOLE…
This entry is all over the place; just like my mind. HEALING IS NOT EASY, BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS. NO ONE SAID THERE WOULDN’T BE BAD DAYS.
Dani💋❤️
Dying to be Perfect 