Happy Tuesday!
I have something on my mind today. Well, to be honest…I have EVERYTHING on my mind today. There is TOO much on my mind today. There is so much on my mind, that I find myself unable to think clearly. As I attempt to organize all that is happening, and I think about all of the things that are simultaneously taking place in my life, I realize that I am overwhelmed. I am one person with a million things to do…problems to solve…people to help…all while being mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally bankrupt. The only thing that is saving me right now, is that my spirit is filled with love, and therefore, I know that somehow, God is working everything out in my favor.
As I type this, I am on hold with the IRS. I realize that even something as small as making a simple phone call, makes me anxious. Everything that I have to do to progress in this life of mine, takes a ridiculous amount of time, energy, and effort. Time, I have, but the energy to put forth the effort…well, that is nonexistent. I no longer have the energy that it takes to fight the system, challenge wrongdoing, fix what’s broken, or make life altering decisions. For once in my life, I want to let someone else figure this all out, so I’m waiting. I’m not waiting on the courts, my friends, my mother, a man, or even my children. This time, I am waiting on God.
For as long as I can remember, my life has been complex. NOTHING IS EVER SIMPLE. I WANT SIMPLE FIXES for once in my life. After all of the trauma, I WANT REST. No one seems to understand or care, that burnout is real. I’m not burnt out from the struggles of the past six years. No, that trauma was the breaking point. I am burnt out from the trauma that has been compounded with all of the mental, physical, financial and emotional abuse that I endured as a wife, mother, daughter, employee and friend. I am burnt out from the betrayal of so-called friends, the numerous times that my heart was broken, the loss of my grandparents and pastor, church hurt, and abandonment. Now, as I continue on my healing journey…my restoration…the only energy that I have is for me. It seems simple to understand to me, but others fail to comprehend. The expectation of others is that I have to be strong.
What so many people fail to comprehend, is that after being strong at twenty, and then thirty, and even stronger at forty, I no longer have the strength to fight. At the age of fifty-four, I no longer have the patience for financial struggles, being on hold for an hour, sitting in child support and social services offices. After far too many, years of fighting for what is mine and advocating for myself, I am in a state of exhaustion…yet here I am still fighting…still advocating…still waiting. The difference is that this time…in this season of my life…I am waiting on God and allowing Him to fight for me. If it looks like I’m wasting time and doing nothing, understand that I am tired, so I am not giving up or wasting time. This time I’m allowing God to fight my battles, because He told me that I have done everything but wait on Him.
When you grow weary, and feel as if you cannot go on, don’t give up…don’t try to give what you don’t have…simply, wait on God.
Mind, Body, Spirit
MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!!
Defy the Stigma!
Dying to be Perfect 