TODAY

Day 35 of My Transition:

And here we are…what I’ve been trying months to avoid…the blow up…boil over…explosion. It finally happened…TODAY. For years…too many for me to count…I’ve refrained from saying what I wanted to say. I know that my mouth is lethal…but I could no longer hold my words. The pressure was like a boiling pot, left unattended, on the stove. It boiled over…TODAY.

One word…just one…that’s all it would take. The move…the transition… the pain…the struggling…the hurt…the heartbreak…the lies…the judgement…the betrayal…it was all too much. I knew that it was just a matter of time. TODAY, I just couldn’t take any more.

I’ve been praying. I know God hears me, but the waiting wondering… struggling…transitioning…it all got to be too much. TODAY was my breaking point.

Now, I’m here…still wondering… praying…crying…asking for forgiveness for what happened TODAY. My pot…it ran over. I screamed…yelled…cursed…cried. I didn’t want to, but the lies… accusations …words…they cut…hurt…broke my heart…my spirit…my confidence just for a moment.

I lost my cool…forgot where I was…who I was speaking to…TODAY…it was all too much. For a moment, I was, once again, that little girl… abandoned… unwanted …broken…alone…lonely. In a flash… it all came rushing back…my past…the loss…longing…unfulfilled dreams…lost opportunities… unappreciated sacrifices…unanswered questions.

Then, suddenly, there it was…the blame…denial…feigned innocence…I could not hold back anymore. Before I knew it, the words came spewing out. I forgot this was my mother…the one who birthed me…was supposed to love me…raise me…put me first. But, as I sood there, emotionally wounded, I wondered. Did this woman, who had broken me so many times before, really love me…care for me? Surely, the woman who stood before me, couldn’t be my mother.

Now, as I sit here thinking about all that was said, I’m in need of forgiveness… understanding…comfort…encouragement…support…healing…TODAY. The forgiveness I am in need of, is something that only God can give. I don’t need it tomorrow…next week…when I’m gone… when she’s gone. No, the forgiveness and healing I need can’t wait til next week or next month. The things I need, I have to get them right now.

It’s been too long, already. It seems like an eternity…a lifetime. Too much time has already passed. I need closure…healing…a breakthrough. Most of all, I need forgiveness; not from the mother who didn’t want me. The forgiveness I need, can only come from God. I can’t wait for forgiveness. I need forgiveness TODAY.

Dani💋❤️

Mind, Body, Spirit

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